


Truss

by sachi_sama



Category: Durarara!!
Genre: Anal Sex, Enemies to Lovers, Frottage, M/M, Self-Hatred, Separation Anxiety, Soul Bond, Soulmates, Touch Withdrawal
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-08-29
Updated: 2020-09-02
Packaged: 2021-03-06 14:20:08
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 13,898
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26170294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sachi_sama/pseuds/sachi_sama
Summary: Soulmates are almost impossible to come by. Shizuo should have known he'd have the worst luck possible.
Relationships: Heiwajima Shizuo/Orihara Izaya, Kishitani Shinra/Celty Sturluson
Comments: 27
Kudos: 266
Collections: Shizaya*





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> "After a while you went quiet and I got mean,  
> Always pushing you away from me.  
> But you come back with gravity,  
> And when I call you come home." -- ["I know the End"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZC6mEJ5i5y8) by: Phoebe Bridgers

When Shizuo was little, before he ever lost his temper at his brother and lifted the fridge, he learned about soulmates in school along with everyone else. He didn't have much interest in it— no one in his class really did. All of them were too young to understand, and romance in general was far less interesting than running around outside and skinning their knees up. Shizuo thought to himself, if soulmates were really something, and lots of people had one, then he wouldn't have to work too hard or think too much about it. Everything would work itself out in the end.

As he got older and his fuse got shorter and shorter, he realized how difficult soulmates actually were to come by. Most people never met their soulmates— Shinra would often babble about the actual statistics, but he'd shut up when he saw Shizuo getting pissed off about it. Probability aside, even if someone was fated to be with Shizuo, he knew they likely would never approach him even if they found each other. People avoided Shizuo, and as he grew into himself, he started avoiding them, too.

And then. Then, there was Izaya.

The day he met Orihara Izaya, Shizuo immediately got a headache just from looking at the guy. Izaya was ethereal looking, a mischievous smirk planted on his pretty face, his hair dark and messy, yet falling in artful waves like it was styled that way. His eyes seemed blood red in the orange light from the sunset, and Shizuo hated him instantly. It really was as simple as that.

They fought; Izaya slashed at Shizuo with a knife, and then Shizuo got hit by a car while chasing after him. Things only got worse as they got older, and to this day, Shizuo can't even look at Izaya without being filled with the need to chase him down and bash his pretty face in. Nothing else really ever seems to matter.

After a particularly bad fight of theirs, Shizuo ends up at Shinra's, blood soaking through his shirt. He's pissed off about it for multiple reasons: Izaya slashed him up _again_ , his white shirt is completely ruined, and Izaya got away. Shizuo is chewing a hole in his cheek when he flops onto Shinra's couch and lets the doctor patch him up.

“Oh, wow,” Shinra says, dabbing at Shizuo's wounds with a little cotton ball. “It looks like he carved his name in you.”

“ _What?”_ Shizuo barks, looking down. Sure enough, the characters of Izaya's first name are slashed into Shizuo's chest, right across the first scar Izaya ever gave him. “What the _fuck!_ ”

“I'm surprised you didn't notice until now,” Shinra says.

“He did it so fast! I was too busy trying to hit him. Fucking _flea!”_

“Relax, it's not deep. I doubt it'll scar. He probably did it just to make you even madder.” Shinra dabs something that stings over the gashes, and Shizuo grumbles low in his throat, imagines going to Izaya's apartment and yanking his head off.

“ _He really is the worst.”_ Celty's PDA says exactly what Shizuo is thinking, and Shizuo nods in agreement. Shinra sighs.

“He goes all out for Shizuo-kun, that's for sure.” He applies an ointment before he digs around in his kit for some bandages. “You know... The way you guys are with each other... Have you considered you might be soulmates?”

Shizuo waits a moment before responding, because he's pretty sure Shinra might be making a shitty joke, but when Shinra just keeps right on working, Shizuo flicks him on his forehead.

“Ow! What the heck was that for?!” Shinra yelps, looking at Shizuo with teary eyes. “I'm patching you up, and this is the thanks I get?!”

“Don't pair me up with that rotten louse! I get enough of that from the girl who hangs out with Kadota!” Shizuo huffs before reclining back into the couch. “Izaya's just an insane little fucker who hates me. There's no romance involved.”

“Well, yeah, but...” Shinra frowns, rubs his forehead, and goes back to bandaging Shizuo. “He's literally all you think about. That's a sign.”

“He makes my life hell! Of course I think about him! If I stop paying attention to him, he'll do something even worse.”

“Hmm.” Shinra doesn't seem particularly convinced. “Well, there's nothing I can do about it if neither of you will listen to reason. I'm only saying, if it _is_ that you're mated, letting it go to waste because of some rivalry is childish.”

“Rivalry?! He— _You!”_

“Just keep it in mind. It wouldn't be the weirdest thing to ever happen around here.”

Shizuo begs to differ. The thought alone of being Izaya's soulmate is strange enough that Shizuo feels a little nauseous. They can't be near each other without fighting. Shizuo thinks being alone is much better than being matched with someone who clearly wants him dead.

***

Shizuo doesn't see or hear from Izaya a few weeks after their fight.

At first, he revels in the quiet. He goes to work, hangs out with Tom and Vorona, sees his brother. Shinra has mentioned Izaya is busy with work or something, and that's why things have been running so smoothly.

After the first week, Shizuo begins to feel uneasy.

Izaya being quiet can't be a good thing, right? He's got to be involved in... _something_. He'd never allow Shizuo a moment's peace, and if he's letting it happen now, it means something worse is around the corner. Shizuo feels antsy and jittery, waiting for something he doesn't know for sure will happen.

By the second week, Shizuo is physically ill. He tries to carry on as usual. He's never been one to get sick, as his immune system is excellent, but he hasn't been sleeping much, and he thinks maybe he caught something because he hasn't been taking care of himself.

Tom takes one look at Shizuo and shakes his head, pointing to the door.

“No way, you look _terrible_. Vorona and I can handle things today. Go home and get some rest, man.”

“It's nothing,” Shizuo mutters, though he does feel terrible.

“You have plenty of sick days since you never use them. C'mon, go relax a little. I'll call and check in on you later,” Tom says, and Shizuo accepts defeat. Tom is hard to argue with, especially since he's never sent Shizuo home before. Shizuo must really look as bad as he feels.

“Would you like me to send you a list of remedies proven to alleviate cold symptoms?” Vorona asks.

“No, thanks though. I'll just try to sleep it off.”

He's lying on his couch later when his phone rings. He expects it to be Tom, but it's Shinra. Sighing, Shizuo answers, knowing Shinra will just keep calling.

“What?” he snaps.

“ _Shizuo-kun? You sound weird,”_ Shinra says.

“I'm sick.” Shizuo doesn't really want to tell Shinra that, as Shinra will likely use it as a reason to come bother him, but if he brings medicine along, Shizuo will tolerate it.

“ _Sick? You?”_ Shinra pauses. _“You never get sick.”_

“Yeah, I guess I'm due. I just feel shitty. I'm tired but I can't sleep and— ugh, my head is fucking _throbbing._ ”

“ _Hmm. Did this just start today?”_

“No, a few days ago. It's just been getting worse. Why? Is there something going around?” Shizuo asks. He hopes he didn't expose Tom and Vorona to the flu or something.

“ _You could say that!”_ Shinra laughs a bit, and Shizuo tenses up. He hates when Shinra does this, acts like he knows something no one else does, and then refuses to share. It reminds Shizuo too much of Izaya.

“Is there a reason you fucking called me? Your voice is making my head hurt worse,” Shizuo growls, and Shinra's laughing stops abruptly.

“ _Ah, sorry! Yes, Celty ran into Tom-san and Vorona-san today! She noticed you weren't there and asked me to call. I'll let her know you're fine.”_

“I'm _not_ fine. Do you have anything for headaches? All I have is ibuprofen and it's not doing shit.” Shizuo doesn't keep many pain remedies around. He's never really had a use for them.

“ _I don't think I have anything that'll help. Just get some rest and, uh. Let me know how you feel by Sunday.”_

Shinra hangs up then, and Shizuo is left glaring at his phone. He's thankful it's the weekend. Hopefully, if he spends his off days lounging around and taking medicine, it'll pass by the time he's supposed to return to work.

Throughout the weekend, it only gets worse.

Saturday night, his head is pounding so bad he can't keep his eyes open. He tries to go to bed early and wakes an hour later feeling feverish. He gets out of bed to get some water, and then he winds up running to the bathroom to vomit. He's _never_ gotten sick like this before. He calls Shinra, who promises to visit him in the morning.

Sunday morning, Shizuo is wrapped in two blankets on the couch. He's starving and exhausted, but he can't seem to eat or sleep. Even smoking isn't an option for him right now. He's miserable enough to relent to Shinra examining him. Shinra, of course, looks thrilled.

“So, you say it's been getting worse throughout the week?” Shinra asks as he takes Shizuo's vitals.

“Yeah. Every day it's just harder to deal with it,” Shizuo mutters. He's wearing his sunglasses inside because the lights are torturing him.

“I see,” Shinra says, and he studies the results he's written down. He frowns a bit, and then he pulls another chart from a file in his briefcase. He holds the two together in front of his face, and his face pales.

“What? What is it?” Shizuo asks, a little worried. He's been thinking this might be something bad, especially if his extremely powerful immune system can't fight it off.

“It's, uh. It's nothing,” Shinra squeaks, putting the papers away.

“You don't look like it's nothing,” Shizuo says. “What, am I dying or something? Aren't you legally obligated to tell me if I'm dying?”

“A simple check-up wouldn't tell me if you were dying,” Shinra says with a laugh, and then he's rubbing the back of his neck sheepishly. “Look, I have an idea of what it is... But if I tell you now, you'll only get pissed off at me, and I don't want a fist in my face, especially if I'm wrong. I need to do something before I tell you for sure.”

“What the fuck?” Shizuo asks. “There's a test involved?”

“Yes! A test. We should know for sure by tomorrow!”

“I have to _work_ tomorrow!” Shizuo protests.

“I'll give you some pills to take the edge off the headache. It won't get rid of it, but knowing you, you can power through.” Shinra packs up his things, and Shizuo scoffs at him.

“What incredible medical advice. You're telling me to deal with it.”

“I'm telling you it's nothing to worry over! Well...at least not at the moment. Worst case, you miss work tomorrow, too. Surely you have more than enough sick leave to use since you're never sick.” Shinra gives him a smile, and then he reaches in his pocket before tossing a pill bottle at Shizuo. “Take two of those. They might help you sleep, too.”

“Thanks,” Shizuo says dryly. “Do I need to do anything for this test of yours, or am I supposed to just wait around for you to get back to me?”

“Ah...” Shinra looks sheepish again. “I have to make another house call, and then... Well, if I survive, we'll figure it out from there!”

Shizuo doesn't bother asking for an explanation. Shinra never gives straight answers, especially if he's trying to avoid giving Shizuo bad news in person. Shizuo closes and locks the door behind Shinra when he leaves, and then Shizuo goes to the sink, puts two pills on his tongue, and chases them with water straight from the tap.

That night, Shizuo feels groggy and manages to sleep in waves, though it's always a fitful, shallow sleep. It's better than no sleep at all, and Shizuo feels well enough to heat up some canned soup and keep it down. He still feels feverish, so he's walking around his apartment with blankets draped over him. Tom calls a little after Shizuo washes his dinner dishes.

“ _Yo. Feeling any better?”_ Tom greets.

“Yeah, a little. Shinra came by and gave me some pills,” Shizuo says. He moves back towards the couch.

“ _If you need tomorrow off, just let me know,”_ Tom says. _“We don't have any major targets anyway. Vorona can handle them.”_

“I know. I'll wait till the morning to decide for sure. If I don't feel well, I'll give you a call.” Shizuo chats with Tom a little longer, and then he passes out in front of the TV.

Right after three in the morning, Shizuo wakes once more.

He feels _terrible_ , but more than that, he feels ravenous, like he hasn't eaten in days. Technically, he hasn't, as soup doesn't count for much, nutrition wise. He groans and gets up from the couch, deciding to just walk to the convenience store down the street and find something to fill him up, as he doesn't have anything else to eat aside from rice.

There isn't anyone else on the street this early in the morning. Shizuo passes a few cabs, but he doesn't walk by anyone. It smells like rain, and the breeze feels good on his skin, though he shivers a bit as he walks. He's always enjoyed walking, especially when it's dark out. The way the lights illuminate everything around him make him feel relaxed, though his headache has him wearing his shades to keep the worst of the lights from exacerbating his already throbbing temples.

He grabs a few snacks and checks out with the clerk, who looks half-asleep and wary of Shizuo, who probably resembles a zombie at this point. Shizuo exits the store and lights a cigarette as he walks, knowing a good portion of his headache might be withdrawal. It drops from his lips and hits the ground when someone steps in front of him, the _last_ person he'd like to see.

“Izayaaaaaaaa,” Shizuo hisses, tightening his hands into fists. He has to stop himself from throwing his snacks at Izaya, who doesn't seem well in the least.

“Shizu-chan,” Izaya lilts, waving his hand in greeting. He looks almost waifish, and the dark circles under his eyes make Shizuo wonder how bad his own must be. “You're up late.”

“I can't fucking sleep,” Shizuo says, and then he grumbles. “Why are you in Ikebukuro?”

“Oh, you know.” Izaya shrugs. “I can't sleep either, and it's been a while since I came this way.”

“You're too fucking close to my building,” Shizuo says, and Izaya feigns a surprised expression.

“You're right! I _am_ awfully close to your hovel, aren't I? I must be delirious.”

“Are you sick? You look like shit.”

“So do you,” Izaya says, and then he crosses his arms. He sniffs a bit. “Are you going to break my arm if I go into the store? I was going to buy a bottle of tea.”

“They have tea in Shinjuku,” Shizuo says.

“Yes, but I'm already here!”

Shizuo expects his head to pound again, because out of everyone in his life, Izaya pisses him off the most. Weirdly enough, he feels...better? Maybe those pills Shinra gave him are starting to work.

“Whatever,” Shizuo mutters at last. “If you do anything, I'll kill you later. I'm too tired to deal with you right now.”

He walks towards Izaya, who stiffens a bit. He doesn't know why he does it, but Shizuo bumps shoulders with Izaya as he passes, and Izaya doesn't do anything in retaliation.

Both of them must really be sick and delusional.

***

When he wakes up again, Shizuo feels great, like he was never sick at all. He doesn't question it too much, since this is usually how colds work for him. He'll feel a little sluggish, and then perfectly normal again. Maybe this was just a bad flu or something. Either way, it's over now, so Shizuo goes to work as usual, and he doesn't think about it again until Shinra calls him a little after he gets back home.

“ _Did you see Izaya-kun last night?”_ Shinra asks as soon as Shizuo picks up the phone.

“What the... Yeah? I ran into him at fucking three in the morning.”

“ _Did you...interact with him?”_ Shinra asks.

“A little bit. We didn't fight. Is Izaya sick, too? He looked like a skeleton. I didn't feel right about attacking him.” Shizuo has a bad feeling in his stomach, and he doesn't know why.

“ _This might sound odd, but please don't get too angry,”_ Shinra says. _“Did Izaya-kun touch you at all? Even in passing?”_

Shizuo freezes in his tracks. He was going to his fridge to get a beer, but now his stomach is lurching uncomfortably.

“He... No. No, I brushed against him. I think I was threatening him, or... I mean, I didn't think about it.” Shizuo swallows. “Why?”

Shinra sighs, and Shizuo knows he isn't going to like what comes next.

“ _Your symptoms matched with Izaya-kun's. Everything on your chart, your heart-rate, your temperature, your maladies—everything matched. You both got sick at the same time, right when Izaya-kun was too busy with work to interact with you. It got worse and worse for the two of you until you saw Izaya-kun again, and as soon as you touched, even brushing past, both of your symptoms went away.”_

“...huh?” Shizuo's voice sounds small even to him. Shinra clears his throat.

“ _Do you understand what it is I'm getting at? I know I...mentioned before about being mated to Izaya-kun. You refused to entertain the idea, and so did he. I couldn't do any tests without your consent. But now... Shizuo-kun, this is more than being mated. This is... Are you familiar with a soul bond?”_

“A what? You're... Are you saying Izaya is my soulmate? This is— You're _sure?_ ” Shizuo wants to feel angry. He wants to refute this and prove Shinra wrong, but as it is, he just feels empty inside.

“ _I've told you before about the rarity of soulmates. Some people have marks, and every now and then, mated pairs will find each other. Neither you nor Izaya-kun have marks, so it was hard to tell, but when you both got sick from being apart... This is deeper than a normal soul-link, not that those are anything to take lightly. A bond is extremely,_ extremely _rare. There's only been one case in the last year, and it's been over five years since any in Japan have been reported.”_

“I don't... I don't get it. I have a soul bond with Izaya? What's that mean?”

“ _You and Izaya-kun are essentially two halves of one whole. You can't be apart from him without feeling the effects. As insane as it sounds, the two of you were able to keep yourselves sated by fighting—hitting each other, touching at all, even with ill-intent. The moment you met, this started, but it wasn't until you stopped seeing Izaya-kun that the withdrawal crept in.”_ There's the sound of shifting, fabric rustling. _“I'm saying Izaya-kun is more than your soulmate, Shizuo-kun.”_

“I don't believe you,” Shizuo says, though he does. He wondered, at least a little, why he felt better as soon as Izaya crossed his path. “You don't know for sure.”

“ _It's not one-hundred percent,”_ Shinra relents. _“There are a few more tests I can do, if the two of you cooperate.”_

“Fine, whatever, anything to prove you wrong!”

Shinra comes by the next day with a sheet of paper filled with questions. They're strange, it's by far the weirdest test Shizuo has ever taken. It asks about dreams, intrusive thoughts, sudden cravings he's had that he's never had before. He fills it out honestly, knowing that lying won't get him anywhere. When he's done, he looks expectantly at Shinra, who is reading them over.

“So?” he barks. “Do they match or whatever?”

“Izaya-kun hasn't taken his test yet,” Shinra says. “He's taking this much worse than you are.”

“Why?!” Shizuo growls. “He's the one who starts everything! He's the awful one! It should be me who refuses to cooperate!”

Shinra shrugs. “Tell _him_ that.”

Five days go by, and Shizuo doesn't hear anything from Shinra. He also doesn't see or hear from Izaya, and by the sixth day, the headache is back. In a fit of rage, Shizuo finds himself opening Izaya's contact. He sends a text.

_Does your head hurt?_

An hour passes. Shizuo is about to stomp all the way to Shinjuku, but then his phone goes off.

 _Don't tell me you're actually entertaining this._ Izaya sends.

_What the fuck else am I supposed to do?_

No response. Shizuo waits another fifteen minutes before sending another message.

_What if he's right?_

Izaya responds right away.

_He's not right._

_You must have thought he was a little since you came to see me at 3am._

No response. Shizuo roars in rage, which only makes his head hurt worse. He sends another text, his thumbs pressing so hard against his phone screen, he worries he might crack it.

_Take the fucking test or I'm going to tie you up and make you do it._

_Kinky ;)_ Izaya sends.

_TAKE THE GODDAMN TEST_

_Oh, fine. When he ends up being wrong, you can stop acting so pitiful._

The next day, Shizuo doesn't hear anything from Shinra or Izaya. Usually, he'd welcome the quiet, but at the moment, he wants to hear something, anything. His head is beginning to pound unbearably, and he has to take sleeping pills to even scrounge up a few hours of sleep. When he wakes, he has a missed call from Shinra, as well as a text message.

_Izaya-kun's test matched yours exactly. I'm sorry._

Shizuo wants to throw his phone against the wall, but he doesn't. As angry as he is, he thinks he already knew. He knew as soon as Shinra mentioned it the first time, he just didn't want to accept it.

He lasts one more day before he's marching to Shinjuku. His head hurts, and he's feeling feverish, but he manages to make it through work. Tom asks where he's going in such a hurry.

“I'm going to kill Izaya,” Shizuo mutters, and he ignores the look Vorona and Tom give each other.

Shizuo bangs on Izaya's door until it opens, and an irritable woman looks back at him. His words die in his throat as she glares at him.

“He's in his room,” she tells him, opening the door. “It's right up the stairs.”

“Uh... Thanks?”

“Tell him I'm leaving for the day, please. I'm tired of dealing with him.” He watches as she gathers her things and leaves, and Shizuo waits only a few moments before he goes up the stairs.

Izaya is buried in blankets, looking as miserable as Shizuo feels. He glowers at Shizuo and rolls away, putting his back to Shizuo.

“Go _away_ ,” he moans.

“Izaya—“ Shizuo starts.

“No, I don't want to hear it. I don't want to talk about this.”

Shizuo growls. “Why are you being so shitty about this?! As if _I'm_ happy about it! Aren't you supposed to be the smart one?”

“Shizu-chan, even if Shinra is right, what do you propose?” Izaya asks, and then he turns to look at Shizuo. “Do you know what soul bonds mean? You being here at all is going to make it worse.”

“What do you mean? I thought it would help?”

“It will, for a while. Every time we're in proximity, it's like a patch over the problem. It'll help a while, but the next time we feel this way, it'll be worse. We lose days every time.” Izaya rubs his hands over his face. “It's like it got even worse once Shinra opened his fat mouth. We were doing just fine before.”

“So what, then? You want to ignore it?” Shizuo asks.

“We can go on as normal, right? We can fight, and maybe if we draw out how often we see each other, we can lengthen the amount of time it takes before we have to see each other again. We'll...build a tolerance.”

“Fuck that! I feel like shit, and so do you! I'm not gonna just build a tolerance to feeling shitty! Who does that?!” Shizuo stomps towards the bed, and when Izaya meets his eyes, Shizuo freezes. Izaya looks scared. No. Izaya looks _terrified._

“Don't _touch_ me!” Izaya shouts, and Shizuo's entire body goes cold. “You idiot, just... Just leave, okay? You're making it worse.”

Shizuo runs his tongue along his teeth, counts to ten. He shakes his head.

“I'm not leaving. I'm not letting you ignore it.”

Izaya laughs, and it sounds completely hollow.

“Do you even understand what you're saying? It's not as if you _want_ to be here. If you don't leave, and you insist on touching me, it's only going to get stronger.”

“Ignoring it isn't an option. It's gonna get worse even if we build a tolerance to it. So then what, it takes a month or so before we feel like this? We're gonna have to interact anyway.” Shizuo moves towards the bed, and Izaya watches him warily. “Might as well get it over with.”

Izaya rolls as far as he can when Shizuo sits on the edge of the bed. There's a large space between them, and Shizuo sighs before reaching out, his fingers skimming along Izaya's shoulder.

“I-za-ya,” Shizuo murmurs. “Come on. Meet me halfway here.”

“I hate you,” Izaya says, but he reaches his hand above the covers. Shizuo touches Izaya's hand timidly, and the instant their skin touches, their headaches vanish completely.

“Oh...” Shizuo breathes. He's close enough to watch Izaya's throat bob as he swallows, close enough to see Izaya's eyelashes. He traces his fingers along the soft skin of Izaya's knuckles, and they aren't holding hands, but Shizuo finds he wants to.

“You've only made it worse,” Izaya says. “The closer you get, the worse it'll be next time.”

“We aren't very close,” Shizuo says. “We don't have to get close. We can manage this much. Just...whenever it's bad, we can touch hands or something. It's not the end of the world.”

“You don't _get_ it,” Izaya argues.

“So then tell me.”

Izaya just shakes his head, and then he pulls his hand away. Shizuo knows he isn't going to get anything else from Izaya, so he stands and leaves, the skin on his hand burning more and more with every step he takes away from Izaya.

***

It takes three days for Shizuo to understand what Izaya meant.

The next time the headache sets in, it's _terrible._ Shizuo's sunglasses do nothing to help his light sensitivity, and he winds up vomiting right in the middle of the sidewalk, Tom and Vorona on either side of him. They each take an arm and lead him to Shinra's, and the entire time, Shizuo is moaning in pain, trying to explain to them that it won't help.

They're at Shinra's for about fifteen minutes before Izaya stumbles in, looking haggard. Vorona and Tom stand instantly to defend Shizuo and tell Izaya Shizuo is in no shape to fight, but Shizuo shoves past them and hurries to Izaya, taking the informant into his arms like they're lovers.

“You fucking idiot,” Izaya murmurs, but he holds Shizuo just as tightly. “What have you done?”

“I'm sorry,” Shizuo says, and he presses his face into Izaya's hair. “I'm so fucking sorry.”

“Ah. Tom-san, Vorona-san, why don't you let me make you some tea?” Shinra asks, and the sound of footsteps leading from the door alerts Shizuo that he's alone with Izaya. He presses Izaya into the wall of the hallway, still hugging him tightly.

“I don't know what to do,” Shizuo admits. He's breathing Izaya in, and he wants to hate it, to feel as angry about Izaya's scent as usual, but he can't. He feels nothing but relief and comfort with every breath he takes. “Tell me what we can do.”

“There's nothing,” Izaya says, his voice muffled by Shizuo's shoulder. “You've doomed us both. It's only going to get worse.”

“Fuck,” Shizuo hisses. He nuzzles into Izaya's hair, can't think about why he's doing it. “Don't go away again. If it's worse every time, next time, I'm just gonna fucking pass out.”

“Shizu-chan...” Izaya's voice is small, unlike him. Shizuo offers a groan in response, letting Izaya know he understands completely. They don't let go of each other for quite a while.

“Man,” Tom says later when he and Vorona are walking Shizuo home. “Talk about a tough break. Being bonded to someone you hate? It's almost better not to be bound at all.”

“Statistically speaking, being bound at all—“ Vorona starts, and Shizuo grunts at her.

“I don't wanna hear the numbers. They only remind me how unlucky I am.” Shizuo is used to being an anomaly, but the universe really cursed him this time around. Vorona only shrugs, and Tom makes a face.

“Sorry, man. You wanna get drunk?” he asks.

“I'll just wake up hungover. Thanks, though. I'll keep it in mind,” Shizuo mumbles, and Tom and Vorona don't speak again.

The next day, it's all over the news that a couple in Japan are soul bound. Names aren't used, as neither Shizuo nor Izaya agreed to be named, but it seems like everyone is talking about it no matter where Shizuo goes. He wants to be pissed at Shinra for reporting it, but he knows why Shinra had to. If it's really so rare, it's kind of like some breakthrough case, and it gives other people hope. Shizuo is only glad his name wasn't used, and the only ones who know aren't blabbermouths, aside from Shinra, who fears Shizuo and Izaya both too much to say anything.

Part of Shizuo worries Izaya might try to work this to his own advantage, but Izaya seems every bit as displeased about it as Shizuo is, and Shizuo thinks Izaya won't want his name bound to someone's publicly either. They agree to meet the next day so they can fend off the sickness, and Shizuo goes to Izaya's place to make sure Izaya doesn't try to weasel his way out of it.

It isn't like the last time. Neither of them feel sick yet, so they're able to sit close to each other and touch hands while remaining far apart. Izaya scrolls his phone, not looking at Shizuo, and Shizuo tries to do the same, but it annoys him to be treated so impersonally.

“What are you doing anyway?” Shizuo snaps after a while, and Izaya turns to him with an eyebrow raised.

“Working,” Izaya says shortly.

“On what?”

“Sorry, I don't think that's your business?” Izaya says, smirking at Shizuo, and Shizuo tosses his hand away like it's diseased.

“God, I detest you. Whatever, I'm leaving.”

“Fine. Leave, then,” Izaya says, waving him away.

“I will!” Shizuo shouts back.

“I'm not stopping you! The door's right there,” Izaya says, and they glare at each other for a few moments before Shizuo stomps to the door and leaves, slamming it behind him.

They last one day.

Shizuo feels the headache settling in the second he arrives home from work. He vomits an hour later, and before he can even contact Izaya, Izaya is knocking on his door, a defeated look in his eyes.

Again, Shizuo takes Izaya into his arms. He doesn't think anything of it. The more he tries to rationalize it, the worse he feels about it, so he just listens to his body. He wants to be close to Izaya, wants to keep Izaya safe, wants to breathe Izaya in, so that's what he does. They stand at the door for a while, and then Shizuo carries Izaya to the couch, arranges them so Izaya is sitting on Shizuo's lap. If Izaya has any reservations, he doesn't voice them. He's silent as he hugs Shizuo around the neck, and Shizuo appreciates the lack of argument. They're stuck together in this, so he thinks the sooner they accept it, the better.

“Fuck,” Izaya says after a few minutes. He pulls away, and Shizuo makes a soft noise of protest before he pulls Izaya back. Their foreheads touch, and Shizuo closes his eyes, careful to swallow the moan that threatens to escape his lips. It feels so _good_ to touch Izaya like this, to be this close. It's like a drug.

“I didn't mean to make it worse,” Shizuo says, his eyes still closed. He doesn't want to look at Izaya this close, worries he might try to kiss Izaya if he does. Izaya hums in response.

“You were right. It would've gotten worse no matter what we did,” Izaya says, and his hands settle on Shizuo's cheeks. Shizuo does moan then, can't help it. He feels Izaya go rigid against him.

“Did Shinra tell you the results of our test?” Shizuo asks. He has to say something to stop himself from opening his eyes. Izaya surely notices Shizuo is trying to distract him, but he goes along with it.

“He didn't tell you?” Izaya asks.

“Not about the _test_ test, no. He told me our vitals were the same, but I didn't really understand the next part.”

“Mm. You described an odd dream I've been having. And you said you were craving ootoro despite not liking it much.”

“So?” Shizuo asks.

“That's my favorite food. As for the dream, it was about destroying some woman's shop. I had no idea who she was, but it was recurring.”

Shizuo inhales sharply, and then he laughs. He can't help it. His life is so incredibly odd.

“You really are my soulmate, aren't you? Fuck. This is insane. So we can share thoughts?”

“I think so. If we worked at it.” Izaya's nose presses against Shizuo's, and Shizuo opens his eyes, shivers at way Izaya is looking at him. “It's not uncommon for soul bonded pairs to be linked mentally, though I doubt either of us wants that.”

“Isn't it kind of inevitable at this point?” Shizuo asks, and Izaya laughs softly.

“Maybe. It's so rare that I don't know for sure.”

Eventually, Izaya untangles himself from Shizuo, and though Shizuo wants to yank Izaya back into his arms, he refrains. Izaya waves before ducking out of the apartment, and Shizuo just knows he isn't going to sleep well that night, whether their bond is satisfied or not.

He dreams of a big house, empty aside from himself and two babies. He's left to care for them, and he isn't good at it, but he has to be. He's all they have. He's cooking and then the smoke alarm goes off, and it wakes him up. He knows miles away, Izaya must be up, too.

Shizuo fights it as long as he can. He can feel Izaya fighting it, too. They last an entire two days before they wind up back together. Shizuo finds Izaya in a cafe, where he knows Izaya will be despite the fact they aren't talking. He takes one look at Izaya hunched in a chair, and then they're embracing, ignoring the looks of the other patrons.

“This place has excellent hot chocolate. Do you want some?” Izaya asks. Shizuo is entirely helpless to him, is resisting the urge to kiss Izaya silly.

“Yes. Fuck, whatever you want,” Shizuo murmurs, and Izaya trembles. He calls their order to the girl at the counter, and Shizuo takes Izaya's face in his hands, brushes his lips over Izaya's.

“Shizu...” Izaya breathes, and then their mouths are meeting. Shizuo groans against Izaya's lips, kisses him softly at first, and then brushes his tongue across Izaya's lips. Izaya resists, and Shizuo growls lowly in warning, and then their tongues are meeting, and Shizuo loses his mind at the taste of his mate. Izaya melts against him, and Shizuo's hands move under Izaya's shirt, span the soft skin of Izaya's back, and it takes the sound of the girl announcing the hot chocolate is ready for them to break apart. Shizuo tries to go retrieve it, but Izaya whines and pulls him closer, silently begging Shizuo not to let go of him. Shizuo carries Izaya to the counter, and then back to the table. He holds Izaya in his lap and lets the drink go cold in favor of tasting Izaya to his heart's content.

“Come over,” Shizuo pleads later. He's pressing Izaya to the wall outside. He knows they shouldn't make a spectacle of themselves like this, but he can't resist the call of Izaya's lips, and he knows Izaya feels the same.

“Shizu-chan... It's not a good idea,” Izaya says, trying to turn away from Shizuo's mouth. Shizuo yanks him back, licks inside Izaya's mouth with a low groan.

“I can't be without you anymore. I don't care what that makes us,” Shizuo says when they break apart again. “We can just sleep. I don't need anything but for you to be beside me.”

“Okay,” Izaya agrees at last, and he mewls enticingly when Shizuo licks at his neck. Shizuo doesn't know how he lived so long without the taste of Izaya on his tongue.

“Thank you,” Shizuo says, feeling pathetic. If Izaya tries to leave, he thinks he might go insane. He carries Izaya back to his apartment building, and he holds Izaya's hand while Izaya orders them takeout on his phone.

They wind up sharing lo-mein from the Chinese place nearby, Izaya feeding Shizuo a bite before taking his own. They pick at everything else, their eyes on each other as they try to eat, but eating isn't what their bodies are screaming for. Izaya just barely manages to set the takeout containers on the floor before Shizuo is pressing Izaya's body into the couch cushions, kissing him hungrily, desperately. Izaya wraps around Shizuo, kisses Shizuo back just as ravenously. Their bond sings between them, and when Shizuo grinds down against Izaya, Izaya gasps and rolls his hips up to meet him.

“Izaya... Izaya, fuck...” Shizuo manages, panting against Izaya's neck as they move together.

“Shizu-chan... We...nnn... We should stop...” Izaya breathes, and Shizuo whines in response.

“Do you want to...?”

“No,” Izaya says, and he looks up at Shizuo, his pupils blown wide. “What do you want?”

“I want you,” Shizuo says, and the second the words leave him, he feels the truth in them. Suddenly, the fact they've waited this long is ridiculous. They're mated. Mates can't be apart like this.

“Are you sure?” Izaya asks, and he runs his hands through Shizuo's hair. “If we do this, there's no going back. We'll never get away from each other.”

“So? I don't want to be away from you.” Shizuo turns his head, catches Izaya's wrist, and pulls Izaya's hand to himself, kissing the soft skin of Izaya's palm. “It's already too late for that, isn't it?”

Izaya breathes deeply, and then he shakes his head.

“It's not you talking. It's the bond. You need to think about this and what it means.”

“How am I supposed to think about it?” Shizuo asks. “If you go away again, I'm gonna lose my fucking mind. And when you're next to me, you're all I want.” Shizuo looks into Izaya's eyes. “What's left? What do I have to do to convince you that I need you?”

“I don't know,” Izaya says. He looks upset, and Shizuo hates it, wants to fight whatever is hurting Izaya like this, though he gets the feeling it's Izaya himself. “No one's ever... It doesn't make sense...”

“Izaya,” Shizuo says, and he hears the desire in his own voice.

“I'm supposed to go to America in a few days,” Izaya blurts suddenly, and Shizuo freezes above him. “I have a few clients there... I'm supposed to be gone for a month.”

“A _month?”_ Shizuo asks, his mouth dry. “You _can't._ Izaya—we won't last a month.”

“I don't want this!” Izaya sits up, and Shizuo willingly backs away from him. “I don't want to be tied to you! You don't even fucking _want_ me! You need me, and I don't...” Izaya pauses before looking down at the couch cushions. “It'd be different if it was anyone else, but you hate me. You've always hated me. We're only together because it stops you from feeling like shit.”

“That's the only reason you're here, too,” Shizuo says, and he can _feel_ the despair coming from Izaya. It doesn't make any fucking sense. Neither of them want this... Izaya hates Shizuo just as much as Shizuo's always hated Izaya, right?

Izaya stands and hurries out the door. Shizuo feels the pull of their bond, but he doesn't chase after Izaya. He doesn't know what the fuck he's supposed to say.

***

Two days later, Shizuo is completely bed-bound.

Shinra comes by to give him painkillers and a lecture, but Shizuo shoves Shinra out the door before the doctor can say something _too_ stupid. Celty stays behind, and Shizuo doesn't mind talking to her about it. She's his best friend, and she has his best interests at heart.

“ _So he's just going to go across the ocean for a month?”_ Celty asks. She fidgets. _“I don't know much about soul bonds, but I don't think the two of you would survive that.”_

“Izaya doesn't seem to care,” Shizuo mutters. He has his sunglasses on inside again. He knows Celty won't find it rude.

“ _Izaya knows he can't do it. No one could be away from their soulmate for that long.”_ Her shoulders sink with a sigh. _“I love Shinra, but even we aren't soulmates. Shinra has a human lifespan, and... He'll die never finding his soulmate.”_

“Does he have a mark?” Shizuo asks. He's often wondered this. It wouldn't make sense for Shinra, a human, to be bound to Celty.

“ _Yes. It's faded, grayed out on top. It means the person bound to him is already dead. He says he doesn't care, that he wouldn't love them anyway, because likely they'd have a head.”_ Celty doesn't have an expression to read, but Shizuo can read it all the same. She's looking at him imploringly, hopefully. She wants him to understand her meaning.

“What would you do, if you were me?” Shizuo asks. Celty has been around for a long time. More than that, he trusts her. She wouldn't lie to him.

“ _For starters, I wouldn't let him leave. It's basically a death wish for you both.”_ She pauses, her shadows swirling thoughtfully from her neck. _“I don't know Izaya very well, but Shinra does. Shinra says Izaya is afraid of rejection, and that he's scared to be himself around anyone. I think Izaya just wants to know that you want him for him, and not because some otherworldly force is telling you to.”_

“How am I supposed to convince him of that if I don't even know the answer for sure?” Shizuo asks, and he can tell she's sighing.

“ _How can you expect him to stay if he thinks you're doing it in spite of your hatred of him?”_

“Fuck,” Shizuo murmurs, knowing she's right. “This is why I never talk to you about stuff like this. You're too smart.”

She whacks him on the shoulder, and he laughs, knowing she's laughing with him even if he can't hear it. When she leaves, he thinks about what she said, what Shinra said, and what Izaya said. He decides to go to Izaya's the next day. He'll _make_ Izaya hear him.

In the morning, Shizuo wakes up to his alarm blaring, and he can barely move. Making it to Izaya's will be impossible, and he knows if he calls Izaya, Izaya won't answer. He considers calling Shinra and having Shinra intervene on his behalf, but there's no need. Shortly after noon, Shizuo hears clicking in the lock, and then the door is opening. Izaya stumbles inside, and Shizuo thinks that maybe Izaya was always the stronger of the two of them, because Izaya is still standing.

“I'm leaving later today,” Izaya says. He leans against the wall, his complexion slightly green.

“So why are you here?” Shizuo asks. “Even if you come over here with me, the effects won't last a month. You'll be overseas, and we'll both be too sick to function.”

“I'm here to tell you goodbye,” Izaya says, and he's inching closer, still tilting into the wall as he goes. “Maybe I'm here to take the edge off the pain until I'm too far for that to be an option anymore.”

“Izaya,” Shizuo says. He balances himself on his elbows as he lifts to look at Izaya. “Don't go.”

“Why not?” Izaya asks, halting in his tracks. “Why wouldn't I?”

“Because we need each other, because we're bound. Because every second you aren't around, I sense what you're thinking, have the same dreams as you, crave the same foods as you. Fuck, Izaya, I don't know. I love you, okay? Isn't that reason enough for you to stay?” Shizuo asks. He rolls off the couch, managing to stand on his knees.

“I've loved you since high school,” Izaya says, and Shizuo doesn't have to look for the truth in Izaya's words. He can tell they're honest. “I loved you before I knew of any bond. But you hated me. You hated me when we met, before I even did anything.”

“I was a pissed off teenager, and we both fought so much it never occurred to me I'd be bound to you. For fuck's sake, Izaya, have you ever considered I hated you because you were too fucking pretty to look at?” Shizuo asks, and Izaya's eyes widen.

“Is that a reason to hate someone?” Izaya asks, and Shizuo laughs bitterly.

“ _Yes._ I hated myself and my strength, and you showed up next to Shinra, looking perfect. I didn't think I'd ever even deserve to be near you. And then you slashed me across the chest—“

“ _After_ you charged at me,” Izaya interjects.

“Yes. After that. I'm not denying my part in our feud, okay? I'm not denying any of it. I love you. I don't care what's making me love you, and I don't care if I need you, because I want you, too. I've wanted you longer than I've needed you. I've wanted you since we met.” Shizuo looks up, and Izaya is in front of him now, still standing. Shizuo wraps his arms around Izaya's waist and buries his face into Izaya's stomach.

“Shizu-chan,” Izaya says. His hands settle in Shizuo's hair.

“Izaya, _please_ ,” Shizuo breathes, and Izaya drops to his knees, his arms flying around Shizuo's neck before their lips meet. Shizuo pulls Izaya to him, kissing him as if his life depends on it, and with their bond satisfied, Shizuo is able to stand and pull Izaya along with him to the bed.

“I have lube in my pocket,” Izaya says, his eyes wide as he looks at Shizuo. “I just thought... I thought if it worked out, you wouldn't be prepared, so...”

“I don't need a condom, do I?” Shizuo asks, though he knows the answer already. Izaya is pressed against him from head to toe, and Shizuo can feel in their bond that Izaya has never been touched by anyone else.

“No,” Izaya says. “I... I've never wanted anyone but you.”

“Neither have I.”

It's not perfect. It's fast, clumsy. Izaya prepares himself because Shizuo is too afraid of hurting him, and once Shizuo is pushing himself into Izaya, neither of them lasts long enough for it to be thoroughly enjoyable. Shizuo thrusts once, twice, and comes inside Izaya with a whine. His hand circles Izaya's dick and barely pumps Izaya at all before Izaya joins him.

It's not great sex, but they both know as soon as it's over that they'll never be able to be apart again. Shizuo leans down and kisses Izaya's cheeks, his eyelids. He tastes tears on Izaya's face and feels in Izaya's feedback that Izaya is happy, comforted. Neither of them has to say anything at all.

They have each other a few more times that night, each time getting better. Izaya eventually cancels his flight, saying he knew all along that Shizuo wouldn't let him go. They fall asleep joined together, and they share the same dream, but in the morning, neither of them remembers it.

Shizuo wakes early and nuzzles into Izaya, who moans quietly before tugging Shizuo closer.

“Don't you have to work today?” Izaya asks, and Shizuo kisses him gently.

“I have a few sick days left.”

“Mmm,” Izaya hums, one of his hands moving over Shizuo's chest. He giggles suddenly and moves closer.

“What?” Shizuo asks sleepily.

“I'm tracing my name,” Izaya says, moving his fingers over where he carved his name in Shizuo before.

“Oh, _fuck_ you,” Shizuo grumbles, but he doesn't really care much. He's far too pleased with their bond resonating between them, and he can feel Izaya is, too.

“You were always mine,” Izaya murmurs, and he kisses his name across Shizuo's chest, marks that won't scar, but are settled over a scar Izaya carved in the past, their first meeting, in fact.

“I was,” Shizuo says, and though he didn't always know it, he knows now that it's true all the same.


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> "If I stay here, trouble will find me.  
> If I stay here, I'll never leave.  
> If I stay here, trouble will find me,  
> I believe." -- ["Sea of Love"](https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=yIWmRbHDhGw) by: The National

Izaya never paid much attention to the whole “soulmate” thing. Throughout his life, he never cared about romance or relationships of any kind. His only friendship was against his will, and really, he just got bored of telling Shinra to fuck off after a while.

“I think you have selective hearing, Shinra,” Izaya said. The two of them were in the biology room, and Shinra had once again dismissed Izaya's tone of indifference. Shinra merely smiled widely at Izaya, his eyes crinkling in the corners.

“Maybe! Why would I want to hear all the mean stuff you say, anyway?” Shinra asked, and Izaya huffed.

“If you can hear that I'm being mean to you, you should pay attention.”

“Nah. It's not like you mean most of it.”

Izaya glared at the other boy for a moment. He never liked when Shinra pretended to know Izaya better than Izaya knew himself.

“How's your zombie girlfriend?” Izaya asked. He knew that would knock Shinra off his smug little pedestal. Celty kept rejecting all of Shinra's advances, which wasn't surprising, seeing as how Shinra was only in middle school.

“She keeps saying my soulmate is out there somewhere,” Shinra said woefully. He told Izaya a while ago that his mark was on his back, and Celty didn't have one. “She refuses to see me as anything other than a friend.”

“Mm. Sucks to be you,” Izaya said, pleased when Shinra wailed woefully.

“You're lucky, Izaya-kun! No mark! You can make your own decision. I wish I didn't have one.” Shinra wilted, a common occurrence when Celty was mentioned.

“Id make my own decision anyway,” Izaya said. “Being mated to someone sounds so boring. People put way too much stock into it. Some girl was crying earlier in class, did you see her? Apparently some guy she's in love with doesn't match her. Why care about it at all?”

“There's not an ounce of humility in you, is there?” Shinra asked, but he was smiling. He liked that about Izaya, and Izaya knew it. “Have some compassion! Just because you don't have a mark doesn't mean you don't have a mate, anyway. They'll just be harder to find.”

“I can't see myself ever looking for them, anyway.”

“Yeah, you don't really have any desire to meet new people. Oh, hey! I really wanna introduce you to my other friend! He's been really reluctant about it, too, but I think you two would get along really well!”

“I told you no already,” Izaya muttered. “You should respect your other friend's wishes.”

“Well,” Shinra said, unbothered. “You'll meet him eventually anyway. I'll make sure of it.”

***

Izaya wakes to the soft light of morning, and he hums in acknowledgment when he feels Shizuo's tongue on his neck. Shizuo is spooning him, his entire body almost rolled over Izaya's. Their need to touch hasn't waned in the least, and Izaya doesn't think it ever will.

“You're up early,” Izaya murmurs, enjoying the way Shizuo feels against him.

“You were dreaming,” Shizuo says. His hand lifts to move under Izaya's shirt, which is actually Shizuo's shirt. Izaya has taken to wearing them to bed. “Something about Shinra.”

“A bad dream, then,” Izaya says, gasping when Shizuo pinches his nipple. Sometimes they share dreams, other times they can see what the other is dreaming. Their bond keeps getting stronger no matter what Izaya does. It feels less and less like a choice every day.

“Was Shinra really your first kiss?” Shizuo asks, and Izaya grins, feeling the jealousy radiating off Shizuo.

That day in the biology room, after they argued a while about soulmates, Shinra begged Izaya to kiss him. Something about proving Shinra didn't have to abide by his mark; Izaya stopped listening to the reasons after Shinra wouldn't shut up. They shared a few chaste kisses, and after that day, it never happened again.

“Yes. He was persistent about it,” Izaya says, and Shizuo growls behind him.

“That little weasel. He never told me.”

“Why would he? We were just kids, Shizu-chan. We didn't even use tongue.”

“You liked each other, though,” Shizuo mutters, and he hugs Izaya to himself. “I could tell.”

“Don't spy on my dreams,” Izaya says, and he laughs when Shizuo forces him to roll over so they're facing each other.

“Like I'm trying to!” Shizuo snaps, glowering at Izaya. “Don't say 'spy', it makes me sound creepy.”

“It's pretty cute you're getting jealous about Shinra of all people,” Izaya says. “I already told you that you were my first. I didn't think earlier kisses mattered.”

“It's just that it was _Shinra_. We see him all the time!” Shizuo argues.

“And he's head over heels for Celty. Besides, I'm bound to you, anyway. We're incapable of being away from each other, Shizu-chan.”

It's true, and they both know it. Even when they're angry at each other, which happens a lot, they can't be apart for more than a day. When Shizuo is gone, Izaya can't eat, can't sleep, can barely function at all even before the sickness sets in. And then, when the headache comes, they _have_ to find each other. Sometimes they'll curl up together and keep arguing, though it loses meaning when they're tangled from head to toe.

“I've been thinking we should try to train our bond,” Shizuo says. It's not the first time he's said it, but Izaya still doesn't like hearing it.

“Why?”

“Because we're bound together? Because...ugh! _Because_ , Izaya! Wouldn't it be better to know how to work it rather than just seeing bits of each other at random?” Shizuo is frustrated, and even if Izaya wasn't looking at him, wasn't anywhere near him, Izaya would still know. It's radiating from Shizuo in waves. “Why are you still being stubborn about it?”

Jaw set, Izaya rolls away from Shizuo, and then out of bed. He can feel Shizuo wants him back, but that's nothing new. If up to their bond, they'd _always_ be touching, always together. Izaya isn't ready for that, and he can't accept that Shizuo is. They're both separate people, independent people—

“Izaya,” Shizuo says. His voice doesn't sound angry anymore, which is actually worse somehow. “We _aren't_ separate people. I know it's hard, but...”

“You don't know anything!” Izaya hisses, tearing Shizuo's shirt off himself like it's burning him. “You're just so ready to succumb to this stupid thing, but I'm not, okay?”

“Why are you so mad?” Shizuo asks, which is hilarious, coming from him. “I thought we were past this.”

“Past _what?”_

“You being an asshole about this!” Shizuo says, throwing his hands up. “For fuck's sake, Izaya, we sleep together almost every night, we argue a lot less, I _told_ you I'm in love with you— What else do you want from me?!”

Izaya dresses hurriedly, refusing to look at Shizuo. He ignores the parts of himself that are screaming for him to return to the bed and seek refuge in Shizuo's arms. He can't, he won't, he doesn't _want_ this!

“I want you to mean it,” Izaya mutters, and he leaves the apartment before Shizuo can follow him, though he knows Shizuo will follow him through their bond whether they're together physically or not.

***

The first time Izaya heard of a soul bond, he was intrigued.

He was in elementary school, listening to the teacher with rapt attention. He knew of soulmates already, and he wasn't really interested in them, but this was something else. The teacher was describing two people who literally _couldn't_ be apart without suffering because of it. Some of the girls in class looked starry eyed, and Izaya heard one of them whisper to her friend that she hoped _she_ was lucky enough to be bound to someone. Some of the boys looked just as awestruck, but Izaya was interested for a different reason.

He raised his hand.

“Yes, Orihara-kun?” The teacher asked. Many heads turned towards Izaya. “You have a question about soul bonds?”

“It seems cruel to me,” Izaya said. Silence greeted his statement, but he was used to that.

“It does? How so?” The teacher asked. She always tried to be patient with him, but he could tell he scared her. He often scared a lot of people without meaning to.

“Because they can _never_ be away from each other. What if they weren't really in love? What if there was no desire to be together, but their bodies forced them? It's like a drug addiction, isn't it?”

There was a rustling around him, the fidgeting bodies of his classmates. Another familiar sound.

“A... A drug addiction?”

“Yes. A heroin addict doesn't _want_ to be an addict, do they? Their body makes them dependent on it, and they're incapable of fighting after a while. How long can soul-bonded pairs be apart? Can the withdrawal kill them? Is—“

“Enough,” the teacher said, and Izaya fell silent. “This isn't like heroin, Orihara-kun, and you're too young to know about such a thing! This is another form of mating, of loving someone. It's not nearly as sinister as you're making it out to be.”

Izaya bit his tongue, tasted blood, and glared openly at the teacher. He wasn't making anything sinister, he was repeating exactly what she told him. If a hostage felt appreciation and love for their kidnapper, was that not Stockholm Syndrome? If there was no freedom, was that not complacency more than acceptance and desire?

“Yes, sensei,” he muttered, and she only looked at him a moment longer before continuing the lesson.

He didn't raise his hand again.

***

“Honestly, it seems cool to me. I dunno why you're fighting it so much,” Kadota says. He sips at the sake Shinra gave him and grins when Izaya glares over at him.

“Why do _you_ know about it, Dota-chin?” Izaya asks, though he knows already. Shinra has the decency to look sheepish.

“Kadota-kun won't tell anyone! It slipped out!” Shinra says, and Izaya rolls his eyes.

“For your sake, I hope he doesn't tell anyone. If Kawisawa-chan finds out, I'm going to slit your throat. Your fate is in Dota-chin's manly hands.” Izaya sips his sake as well, though he's not in the mood to drink. He can feel Shizuo checking in on him tentatively, and it's annoying, but also charming in a way. Shizuo could take on an entire army of people, but he's wary of Izaya being mad at him.

“Trust me, if she finds out, I won't know peace anymore. I don't want to tell her,” Kadota says. “And stop calling me 'Dota-chin',” he adds in afterthought.

“Sorry, no can do. It suits you,” Izaya says, and he winks when Kadota glowers at him.

“You know it's pointless to fight it anyway,” Shinra says. “You keep fighting with Shizuo-kun and coming over, but there's nothing I can do to help.”

“I still blame you. We were doing fine before you had to tell us about the soul bond.” Izaya knows deep down that Shinra had nothing to do with it, but bothering Shinra about it is too much fun.

“I thought it was a good thing!” Shinra wails. “Or...the start of a good thing! I should've known you'd be as stubborn about it as ever.”

“I'm not being stubborn!” Izaya huffs, though he supposes he is. “I still have my own free will, you know. I'm not some mindless drone like one of those Saika zombies. I don't have to fawn over Shizu-chan and spam his name everywhere like some hapless lovesick high school student.”

“Isn't that what you've always done, though?” Shinra asks, and he yelps when Izaya throws a knife that pins Shinra's sleeve to the wall. “It was a joke! A joke!”

“You're an even worse comedian than you are a doctor, and that's saying something,” Izaya says, and then he holds his hand out. “Give me my knife back.”

“I don't think you're supposed to look at it as not having free will,” Kadota says, watching as Shinra tries to pry the knife loose from the wall. “It's more like...having someone who fits you. Even if you _were_ dating someone and madly in love with them, you'd still be bound to Shizuo, so it would be sad for you and whoever you were with. You aren't really ever dating anyone though, so didn't it work out?”

“Izaya-kun knows all this already. You're talking to a brick wall,” Shinra grunts, toppling backwards when he finally wrenches the knife free. He stands, brushes himself off, and hands the knife back to Izaya, who immediately throws it back at Shinra, pinning his other sleeve. “Hey!”

“Shut up and I'll stop,” Izaya says. He sips at his sake, wincing as a sharp pain shoots through his skull. “Fuck.”

“Withdrawal headache?” Shinra asks.

“I've only been gone since this morning...” Izaya murmurs, rubbing his temples. “Maybe it's just a normal headache.”

“Mm, twelve hours is a long time for you two now that you're always together. The fact that you're fighting could've exacerbated the effects.”

“Should I call Shizuo?” Kadota asks, and Izaya groans.

“ _No._ This just happens sometimes. It's nothing new.”

“But you look really rough,” Shinra says, and he finally frees himself from the wall. This time, he holds on to the knife.

“I said it's fine,” Izaya says, and he knows that miles away, Shizuo's head is pounding as well. Izaya can feel Shizuo's presence, a steady vibration in himself that seems to say, _“What's wrong? Do you need me?”_ Izaya tries to send something negative in reply, but it hurts so badly, and he doesn't notice the concerned voices of Kadota and Shinra shouting his name before everything goes black.

***

After meeting Heiwajima Shizuo and getting him hit by a car, Izaya sat proudly at Shinra's table, legs crossed as Shinra cleaned and dressed his scratches. They were shallow, barely considered injuries at all, and Izaya found it funny that out of the two of them, Shizuo was the one who ended up worse off.

“I'm really sorry,” Shinra said, though he didn't seem sorry in the least. “I really thought you two would get along.”

“You _should_ be sorry, introducing me to a bullying monster like that,” Izaya said. “He was really going to punch me for no reason. Did you see the look on his face when he saw I wasn't going to sit there and take it? It was hilarious!”

“He's usually not like that. I mean, he's always short-tempered, but he normally waits for a reason to attack someone. I guess he was having a bad day,” Shinra said.

“Yes, let's excuse his needless violence because he was sad. Boohoo, Shizu-chan, punch everyone in the vicinity with your monstrous strength and we'll look the other way,” Izaya said. Shinra frowned at him.

“Well, I guess I was wrong.” Shinra sighed. “I really wanted you to like him so I could have both my friends together! But I guess you'll be avoiding him from now on.”

“Why would I avoid him?” Izaya asked, and he smiled widely when Shinra gaped at him. “I think Shizu-chan and I will be seeing much more of each other. We're still having fun!”

“That's a scary face, Izaya-kun,” Shinra replied, but he was also smiling. He was never scared of Izaya, and that's one reason the two of them were able to mesh together so well. For every odd thing Izaya would say, Shinra would say something odd himself, and they were rarely surprised by each other anymore.

“That's assuming he survives, anyway,” Izaya continued. “I waited until he stood up to leave, but he still got hit by a truck. Your friend quantity might already be reduced by one.”

“Guess I'm stuck with you, then,” Shinra said, and then the door slammed open, revealing an extremely pissed off Shizuo, who was clearly alive and well.

“You're dead, you're dead, you mother _fucker—_!” Shizuo's voice was gaining volume, and Izaya merely grinned up at him, captivated. Celty ran in the room, stopping Shizuo's rampage, though Shizuo continued to shout obscenities.

“See?” Izaya asked Shinra, glancing over at him. “He's crazy about me.”

***

Izaya wakes with a weak moan. His headache is gone, but he feels weak, clammy. He looks down and sees a hand in his, and he doesn't have to think about who it is.

“Shizu-chan...” he mutters, and there's the sound of a chair scooting closer across the floor.

“Do you need some water?” Shizuo asks, squeezing Izaya's fingers.

“No. Ugh, what time is it? What happened?”

“It's around ten, I think. Shinra said you passed out from withdrawal.”

“You didn't?” Izaya asks.

“No. My head hurt like hell, though. It's never been that sudden before. I ran all the way here.”

Izaya opens his eyes again and looks up at Shizuo, who is leaning on the bed, but keeping a respectable distance between them. Izaya remembers they fought earlier, but he gives Shizuo a pleading look and opens his arms all the same. Shizuo stands and climbs in bed beside Izaya, wrapping around him.

“You still mad?” Shizuo asks. He watches as Izaya undoes the buttons of his vest and then his white button-down.

“I wasn't mad to begin with,” Izaya mutters, burying his face into Shizuo's bare chest. Shizuo's scent is so strong there, and Izaya likes feeling wrapped up in the same shirt with Shizuo.

“I wish you'd at least think about practicing how to use our link more. If we could know when we're doing it, it'd come in handy. Right now we're just projecting random shit at each other. I think if we could talk through it more often, we'd be able to last longer before we need to see each other again,” Shizuo says.

“Mm, who knew you were so eager to have more time away from me,” Izaya says, and he means it as a joke, but Shizuo growls and hugs him tighter, tight enough to hurt.

“Izaya, just fucking stop it, okay? You get mad when I say I want you around more, and you get upset when I try to give you space. You're attached to me, so I _know_ you can feel I mean it when I say I love you. I don't know why you're so dead set on not believing me, but it's a real pain in the ass.”

Izaya could say a lot of things to that, could point out that Shizuo is still using the term “need” more than “want”, could mention, once again, that they're both stuck together whether they love each other or not, or he could refuse to work on mastering their link for no reason other than pure stubbornness. Instead, he noses against Shizuo's skin and slides his hands under the back of Shizuo's shirt, hiding against him as if Shizuo can protect him from the futility of fighting the laws of the universe.

“Sorry,” Izaya murmurs, and Shizuo sighs softly before tugging him back and kissing him on the forehead.

“Don't be sorry. Just listen to me every once in a while, okay? I know I don't know a lot, but I know I want to be with you, and it sucks that you'd rather torture yourself and pass out from pain than be with me, too.”

“I do want to be with you,” Izaya says, because he knows Shizuo will feel it anyway. Izaya can feel himself projecting it, can feel it's in every breath he takes. _“Don't leave me, don't leave me, don't leave me.”_

Shizuo hums. “Then that's really all that matters, right?”

***

It's a slow process.

Soul bonds are incredibly rare, and there isn't much of a guide for them to follow as far as speaking to each other purposely sharing things through their link. Sometimes it's easy, and it happens without them even really trying, but then other times it feels like Shizuo is far away from Izaya even when they're sitting right next to each other.

“Don't look so forlorn!” Shinra says, patting Izaya on the bare shoulder. Izaya finds it's easier to project onto Shizuo when more of their skin is touching, so neither of them are wearing a shirt, but Shinra made them separate before trying again this time. “You're both really getting a lot better!”

“Don't touch him!” Shizuo snaps, and Shinra immediately puts his hands up in surrender.

“Shizu-chan, you're being ridiculous,” Izaya says, glaring at Shizuo from across the room. “You're jealous of a middle school kiss.”

“You told him about that?!” Shinra yelps, and he hides behind Izaya.

“No, he saw it in a memory of mine. He snoops, you know? Especially when I'm sleeping.”

“I don't _snoop!_ You project them! You shove your dreams at me 'cause you won't fucking stop squeezing me to death while you sleep!” Shizuo argues, and Izaya raises his hand as if to wave Shizuo's words away.

“I see _your_ dreams too, you know. I just don't comment on them because they're idiotic, usually involving you punching things. I can see that in reality just as easily,” Izaya says, and Shizuo stands, stomping over to Izaya. Shinra wisely shuffles away from them.

“Guys, fighting really isn't what we're working on! Why don't we calm down and you two can touch for this one, okay? You seem to like that much more.”

“I don't wanna touch his flea body,” Shizuo huffs, but he lifts Izaya from his chair and twirls them around so Izaya is sitting in Shizuo's lap. Once their skin touches, Izaya feels all the desire to annoy Shizuo evaporate, and Shizuo's tense shoulders go slack with ease.

“Okay, good,” Shinra says. “Now then, try again, Shizuo-kun. Think of a number between one and fifty and see if Izaya-kun can read what it is through your link.”

Grumbling, Shizuo presses his face into Izaya's neck, and Izaya can feel Shizuo's hot breath on his skin, can feel the warmth of Shizuo's arms around him, and can feel the comfort between them from being close, but he doesn't sense any number.

“Anything?” Shinra asks.

“No,” Izaya says, and Shizuo growls.

“It's because there's so much _stuff_ in your head already!” Shizuo says, glowering up at Izaya. “I can tell you're just _thinking_ all the time, about everything!”

Izaya blinks at him. “Are you saying I think _too much_ for you?”

“Yes! It's not normal to constantly have racing thoughts like that! I can barely filter them out, and when I do, I just think of some random word in Russian that I've never heard, or I think of some recipe— It's all the time with you.”

“Well, let me think about things you can understand, like violence and grunting and junk food and _trash TV—“_

“Fuck you!”

“Fuck _you!”_

“ _Okay!”_ Shinra says, waving his arms. “Let's focus! Shizuo-kun said something interesting, actually!”

“What?” Shizuo asks, still glaring at Izaya. Izaya wants to hit Shizuo and also to kiss him, and he doesn't know if those are his own desires, or the ones Shizuo is projecting.

“You said you thought in Russian, sometimes?”

“Oh, yeah, just, you know...random words. Never anything important. I'll be working and a word will pop in my head, and Vorona will translate it.”

“That's so cool!” Shinra says, then he gets misty eyed. “Oh, I wish I could share things like that with Celty. You two are really taking this for granted!”

“I need a smoke break,” Shizuo mutters. He stands up and sets Izaya back in the chair before stomping out to the little balcony of Shinra's apartment and closing the door behind him.

“You shouldn't antagonize him. He's trying,” Shinra says, and Izaya crosses his arms across his chest and sinks lower into the chair.

“I'm trying, too!”

“You know, I think it's just that you both had such a...tempestuous relationship before. Both of you have walls up, and it's going to take a long time to work through that. I think it's good you're trying, though.”

Izaya glances up at Shizuo's back through the window, and he reaches out through their link in an equivalent of a tug. He exhales shakily when he feels Shizuo clinging tightly to him in return.

***

At least with sex, they can be on the same page.

Their bond doesn't require sex, doesn't even ask of it them, though it does thrive between them when they're intimate. As long as they're close, they can fight withdrawal, but when their skin is pressed together, and Shizuo slides inside Izaya's body, Izaya really can understand why everyone says soul-bonded pairs are two halves of one soul.

Everything Shizuo feels, thinks, loves, Izaya can feel it, and Shizuo's pleasure is as pressing as his own. Like this, it's hard for Izaya to tell which of them he even is anymore. It seems ridiculous to fight at all when they can be one like-minded soul.

“Izaya— Fuck, Izaya, I love you, I fucking—“ Shizuo pants, and Izaya writhes underneath him before coming, his body trembling as Shizuo keeps moving, chasing his own orgasm.

“Shizu-chan...” Izaya murmurs. His nails press into Shizuo's back, and he can feel it in his skin as if the crescent indentations have appeared on his back, as well. “I'm yours, I'm _yours_...!” The words feel pried from Izaya's lips, but they're true all the same, and Shizuo comes inside Izaya with a startled gasp that resembles a sob.

Izaya wonders if sex will always be this intense between them. The first time they had each other, it was over quickly, even by virginal standards. It had less to do with their stamina and more to do with the intensity of it, the feeling of their souls becoming one. Both of them love being together like this, and Izaya takes solace in the fact that they _want_ to have sex and feel this level of intimacy, not that their bond requires it from them.

“God...” Shizuo's voice is muffled in Izaya's shoulder. “Don't think I'll ever get used to this...”

“Mm...” Izaya agrees. He traces patterns in Shizuo's back and soothes over the scratches he left. “Hey, Shizu-chan. What number am I thinking of?”

Shizuo nuzzles at him. “Sixty-nine?” he asks, and Izaya giggles.

“Yes. Good guess.”

“Wasn't guessing,” Shizuo says, and then he lifts his head and licks into Izaya's mouth.

***

Izaya thought it was a familiar scene, but he knew he'd never been there himself.

The store was a wreck, glass and debris from the wall thrown around, and there were men buried, as well as a pretty woman. All of them were unconscious. Above them, panting and crying, stood a small boy with mousy brown hair. He turned when Izaya took a step forward.

“Who are you?” Shizuo asked, and Izaya took a good look at him. He never knew Shizuo as a kid, but he'd know Shizuo anywhere, even with different hair and snot running down his face. Izaya has had this dream before, but he was seeing it through Shizuo's eyes. He was never able to interact with Shizuo before now.

“Orihara Izaya,” Izaya said, and he could tell from his voice that he was a kid, too. He looked down at himself, saw some neon bandages on his bare knee.

“You should go,” Shizuo said. He looked back at the scene. “I think I'm about to get in bad trouble.”

“Oh, that's okay,” Izaya said with a shrug. “I like trouble.”

Shizuo frowned at him and sniffled a bit, rubbing at his wet face. He only succeeded in smearing dirt everywhere.

“Do I know you?” he asked.

“No. Not yet, anyway. We don't meet until later.”

“Later?” Shizuo asked, and he looked so confused and so sad. Izaya took a few steps towards him, crunching glass as he walked.

“Yes, later. I guess this is your memory I'm in. I've been here before, but not as myself.” He looked at the woman.

“I was trying to help her,” Shizuo said, and his voice was pleading. “No one ever believes me, but I really didn't mean to do this.”

“I believe you,” Izaya said. “It's okay.”

Shizuo sobbed, dropping the pole he was holding. He covered his face with his hands and cried into them.

“It's not okay! Everything always turns out like this! I can't control myself! I wanted to help her because she was nice to me and I _liked_ her, and I hurt her just as badly as those guys might have!”

“You're just a kid, Shizu-chan,” Izaya said with a shrug. “Believe me when I say she'll be fine.” Izaya stepped closer until he was beside Shizuo, and he blinked when he felt Shizuo grab at his sleeve and tug.

“Will you stay with me until my parents get here? I think my little brother went to call them and the police...” Shizuo said. Izaya wondered to himself what this would have been like in reality, if they really met back then, like this, long before high school.

“No one will come. This already happened, remember? But yes, I'll stay with you.”

“I know you, don't I?” Shizuo asked, squinting at him. “You're...”

“Your soulmate,” Izaya said, and he grinned when Shizuo gaped at him. “We don't meet for a long time. We don't find out we're bonded for even longer than that.”

“Bonded,” Shizuo murmured, his eyes full of wonder. He reached down and found Izaya's hand with his own. “And you...like being with me?”

“It's hard for me,” Izaya said honestly, and he tapped Shizuo on the nose when Shizuo looked hurt. “I loved you before we knew about our bond. It's hard for me to accept you can love me so suddenly.”

“Why?” Shizuo asked, and Izaya clicked his tongue. This was pointless, wasn't it? In this memory, Shizuo was just a kid with no idea about anything yet to pass.

“Because, it's... When you're bound, you _have_ to be together. It hurts you when you aren't. I guess I just... Even later on, when you tell me you want me around, I still think you're lying.”

“I don't think it's a lie,” Shizuo said, and he scrunched up his face in thought. “I'd be real happy if I had a soulmate like you.”

“Oh, yeah?” Izaya asked, raising a brow.

“You aren't scared of me, I can tell. And I like how you talk.” Shizuo stopped talking suddenly, and then he looked down at his hand in Izaya's. “I never thought anyone would want to be around me. And you love me, you said? You mean it?”

“Yes,” Izaya said, and he gasped when Shizuo plowed into him, still ridiculously strong even as a child. Shizuo hugged him tightly, and Izaya struggled to breathe, but he didn't try to get free.

“You have to keep loving me, okay? I'm not really smart, and I say a lot of stupid things, and I... I get real mad a lot. I don't mean to. If I'm mean to you in the future, it's just 'cause I don't know what I'm supposed to do or say.” Shizuo clung to him. “But you have to keep loving me, 'cause no one else ever will.”

“Don't be stupid,” Izaya said. “A lot of people love you. It's almost sickening, how many of them there are.”

“But they aren't like you. I can tell.” Shizuo pulled back to look at him, and suddenly they were both older, Raijin uniforms on their bodies, Russia Sushi in the background. The sun made Shizuo's blond hair even brighter. “No one else has ever been like you, so believe me when I say I love you, okay?”

“Shizu-chan...”

“And you have to keep loving me, too. You have to promise.”

“I do. I do, and I always have, and I'm just... I'm fucking scared, okay? I'm scared of this,” Izaya said, and he felt his lips were trembling. “I never wanted anyone to have this power over me. I don't know how to control it.”

“I'm scared, too,” Shizuo said. “But I'm not scared of you.”

“I'm not scared of you, either.”

Shizuo shrugged, and then he grinned. “So then stop thinking so much about it, you shitty flea.”

***

Izaya wakes with a soft gasp. He looks over at Shizuo, who is blinking awake and giving him a sleepy smile.

“Same dream,” Shizuo murmurs, and he kisses Izaya gently.

“You were a cute kid, Shizu-chan,” Izaya says, and Shizuo snorts.

“Yeah? So were you. You were so fucking little.” Shizuo pulls him closer. “You're still little. Flea-like.”

“Ha ha.”

“I wish I knew you back then. Maybe if we met on our own, just out in the world, we could've been friends a lot sooner.”

“Is that what we are now? Friends?” Izaya asks, and he's grinning playfully.

“Yep. Since we started fucking, though, I think maybe we messed it up,” Shizuo replies.

“Mm...” Izaya lifts his hand and traces little lines in Shizuo's cheek, and Shizuo catches Izaya's hand and kisses the pads of his fingers.

“ _I love you.”_

Izaya blinks in surprise. He heard that as easily as if Shizuo said it out loud, and he can feel in their bond that Shizuo means it, and has meant it every time.

“I love you, too,” Izaya says quietly, and Shizuo beams at him.

“Fuckin' better. You promised me.”

“I did,” Izaya agrees, and he curls closer to Shizuo. They drift off again, sharing another dream, and in the dream itself, and in reality, they can reach out, knowing the other is right there.

**Author's Note:**

> Inspiration for this came from the soul bonds LateNiteSlacker and I perfected a long time ago. I wondered how to make it apply to soulmates, though I'm sure things like this already exist. What HASN'T been done before, you know?! Who cares. The song in this one is wonderful and sets the tone, so listen to it! 
> 
> Talk to me on [tumblr!](https://sachigram.tumblr.com/) We have lots of conversations there.


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